That’s a pic I found on a post. And it was like a magic hand flew out of the screen and slapped me in the brain. Or maybe it was my own subconscious that was waiting for a trigger to remind me of that, and it just waited so long that the force in which it shouted it, was enormous. I went numb for a while. And that’s because it affected me that much.
I haven’t been happy with myself for a while. The main reason, I think, is my never-ending thesis situation. It just stops me from doing a lot of things. Or am I using it as an excuse? Maybe I’m never going to do the things I ‘m planning to do after I finish the thesis, maybe I’m too lazy. But no, that’s crap. I ‘m past that. And I’ve noticed that from time to time, I get so uneasy by my laziness that I just start doing things I want to do, without thinking and without waiting for the perfect moment. But that’s another discussion (maybe?).
This post is why I’m unhappy with myself. Blocking the thesis – affected stuff (which is A LOT), I lay with me inner self. With my relationship with myself. Which parts I’m not happy about? Can I self-criticize? I think I can.
The first thing is my procrastination habit. I regularly put off things that can be done tomorrow. I never miss a deadline (except for the thesis) and maybe that’s the reason I keep doing that. I just know that not giving 100% on work will suffice, so I don’t. Everyone is more than happy from what I do, everyone tells me how great I’m doing and when I complain about what I’m NOT doing (my thesis), they tell me of what I’m already doing more than good enough. And so, I ‘m happy with myself and I say that’s it’s ok not to give 100%. For like a second. After that, remorse comes. I’m the hardest judge on myself, I realized a while back that I’m a perfectionist. What I do, has to be perfect. I ‘m not satisfied until it is. And if in the end someone has something to point out that a tiny detail is off, I’m not happy with myself.
I know I can do a lot of things. I proved that to myself many times. And I can push myself to the limits. I can handle it. I just don’t do it. Why? Because everyone is happy with the average me. Everyone, except me. And maybe the average me, what people see as the average me, is the average of mees, the average impression. So, maybe that can be fixed? No, no question. That can be fixed. Period. By me. I can raise the bar on how people see me. I can raise the bar on what people can expect from me. And I will.
Just had a call from a friend of mine, need to run. Just a reminder for when I continue: I don’t like speaking ill of people. Correction: I don’t like speaking ill of people that don’t deserve it. But who am I to judge if they deserve it or not? Ok, I really have to go and if I keep typing, I won’t! I hate it when I get interrupted in the middle of serious thinking!!!